


Dream's End

by Darkdorkchan (Raburabusama)



Series: Miki Saburō needs a route [9]
Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, SO MUCH SADNESS, sturm und drang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27803038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raburabusama/pseuds/Darkdorkchan
Summary: So, hey.... remember that route I was writing for Miki…? Here's finally the part where Itou & him end up leaving the Shinsengumi, which of course spells disaster to your & Miki's secret relationship :'( Copious angst and emotions. 9th part of my route for Miki.
Relationships: Miki Saburo (Hakuouki)/Reader
Series: Miki Saburō needs a route [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1401136
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	Dream's End

**Author's Note:**

> This was probably the hardest little snippet of text I’ve written so far :’D I still don’t know if I did it right, but I just had to get on with it, it’s been like 1½ years. I was so afraid of doing this wrong and I’m still not sure if I’m even close to having done this right xD So, I hope it is not too cringey!

In the end, the two of you never got to use the secret hideout Miki had made for you again. 

Afterwards, it felt rather inevitable, for you had allowed yourself to slip, to hope and to feel at ease. It was all just inviting disaster, now hadn’t it. And the end came as quick and as unexpected as a precise cut from an iai master’s blade.

It could not have been even a week after your secret daytime tryst. The one that had you sharing barely hidden smiles at each other every time your paths crossed in the hallways. A much too dangerous game you both knew but were equally unable to stop, drunk on each other and the warmth of spring. The love you had harbored in secret for him had grown, impossibly big and now it was overflowing, spilling over from you like you were a bubbling spring. Your head was lost somewhere in the clouds, and your wits gone to the wind.

In all honesty you were doubting the men who were protecting you had started to sense something was amiss with you. That day Okita’s tongue had been even sharper than usual when he was looking after your safety out on patrol in Kyōto. Well, you had been reckless indeed, going off on your own after Nagumo Kaoru, a mysterious girl who looked quite a lot like you and quite certainly held some dangerous secrets herself.

He had called you beyond useless and reckless, after he had caught up with you in the side alleys and after you had let Nagumo slip away from your grasp. You well and truly earned it, and had the sinking feeling he would’ve called you worse had his patrol not caught up with both of you soon after. Or worse even, started to interrogate you. His eyes said as much for the rest of your patrol. You had dodged a dangerous blade just then and had been cursing yourself for a fool the rest of the day, trying your best to keep well away from him, the rest of the captains and Miki especially. You had forgotten your original mission, and you had lost your discipline.

The mere thought of your secret relationship being dragged out into the daylight for all to see filled you with cold dread that stole the sleep from your eyes as you laid awake and alone in your room.

You were jostled up from your dark thoughts by your shōji door coming crashing in. The culprit soon following was a blood crazed rasetsu, fresh escaped from his confinement. Worse even than the sword cut by the man in the throes of the cursed medicine gave you was witnessing him get cut down by your allies. Just when you thought you might survive this night after all, none other than Itō came clambering in demanding to know what was going on. By the time Sannan made it into the mess your head was reeling so bad with confusion and sheer terror you welcomed Hijikata kicking you out of your room like a lifeline.

You didn’t get much sleep that night, even after the pain from the sword wound started to subside as your unnaturally quick healing took over. Itō had seen the maimed corpse of a Shinsengumi soldier surrounded with the dripping blades of the captains. Itō had seen Sannan, the one who he had thought dead for gods only knew how many years. This was a disaster beyond anything you had yet encountered in your years in the Shinsengumi. You hated yourself, for your boundless selfishness, but you worried most for how this whole mess would end up affecting Miki, and you. Your secret. Itō had been furious, betrayed and bewildered with everything he had witnessed.

After hours of running your thoughts in tighter and tighter circles of fear, exhaustion finally took you and the next thing you knew was sunshine filtering through the shōji of Hijikata’s room and the joyous twittering of birds just outside. Their spring calls felt so foreign and out of place in your dreadful mood it felt like some divine mockery.

Heart pounding you made your way towards the common room to hopefully learn how things had unraveled last night, only to run into the one man you had least wanted to see and next to him the one your heart yearned for even now when it should've been filled with naught but dread. It took all your might to keep yourself from shattering all together underneath the pressure of both their gazes out there engulfed in the bright spring morning. Itō seemed queerly cheery compared to the fuming monster of a man he had been last night, while Miki’s face was a stone mask from whence his glare bore into you with the intensity of the summer sun. You saw his gaze travel over your body, quickly, in the split second you allowed yourself to look at him.

When you averted your gaze from him you spied a duo behind him you had not even registered before. You felt a flush of embarrassment run through you as you took note of both Saitō and Heisuke standing behind the two men. Again, your head had been so full of Miki everything else had been reduced to insignificant background buzz. Internally you kicked yourself cursing yourself for the greedy fool you were.

It took all your might to keep up a polite rapport with Itō while keeping yourself from not nervously glancing at Miki. Luckily the group seemed to be in a hurry and left you reeling even more with the strange implications of everything you had just witnessed, and your worst fears were soon proven true.

Itō was leaving Shinsengumi, and he was taking both Saitō and Heisuke with him. Miki didn’t even register, of course he would go with his brother, he had been the least restrained of the whole Itō faction with his dislike for Shinsengumi from the day he had arrived. Your body was wracked with such an overpowering wave of nausea and pain you feared you’d just vomit and faint right there in the middle of the common room in front of all to see. Staggering away you made the excuse of still being wounded and the men let you go, too busy with trying to figure out how to split the groups without bloodshed to have time to worry about a single page’s well being. 

Unshed tears stung your eyes so bad it was almost impossible to see where you were going. Yet a wholly numb sense of detachedness overtook your body as you sought a hiding place, like an automaton you moved almost beyond your own comprehension.. Your room was certainly still drenched in blood and quite probably being cleaned. You had nowhere to run and hide, and you wanted nothing more than to just vanish entirely before you collapsed, this dull emptiness couldn’t last.

In the end you found your way to the secluded little courtyard you often occupied to do laundry. It was a place where not many wandered into, there were enough wells elsewhere in the compound. Even if someone strayed in there they’d never make their way to the back behind the maple tree where an old guest house was squeezed tight into a stone wall leaving only a narrow path surrounding the building. It was haphazard design probably born out of some urgency of ancient architects, but it made for a good hideout nonetheless. It was close by, too, and you’d not even dream of trying to find your halting way all the way across to the other end of the compound to the secret hideout Miki had made for the two of you. The mere thought rent your chest with raw, hot pain. You couldn’t go there. Slowly each painful drag of breath you took into your lungs had turned into a fight to not let it warp into a sob.

_He was going to leave._

_He was going to vanish from your life._

After the last few wobbly steps you curled yourself into a tight ball on the dusty engawa behind the corner so no one would see you from the courtyard. Only then you allowed the tears to spill as you tried with all your might to keep the sobs from wracking your ribs.

You were dizzy with the lack of oxygen.

_This could not be happening._

But it was, and it truly had been inevitable from the start.

You should probably be grateful that the split would happen so peacefully, for this rift between the factions had always had all the ingredients for a bloody internal feud. Yet, it would not change the reality of Miki going away, leaving you behind.

Like Hijikata had just said in the common room: the relations between the Shinsengumi and this newly formed group would be amicable at the surface only, you’d all be forbidden to interact with them. Trying to get in touch with Saitō and Heisuke they’d probably forgive you, but with Miki, there would be no way under the sun and the moon you could explain such an attempt to the captains so they would allow it.

A fresh sob wracked your body, your sleeves and hakama were getting damp with tears and snot. You had kept everything hidden inside of you for so long, first the longing, then the desire, then the secrets of your blossoming affair and now it would all disperse like so much dust in the wind. You had not allowed yourself the luxury of crying about the desperate situation you had found yourself in. You knew there’d be no end to the tears then, and now you no longer could keep them inside.

You had no idea how long you had been there, you had no desire to move a single width of a _sun_ from where you were. More like you wished to just cease being and be done with all the pain and heartache of existing, of loving so futilely and so desperately. 

“Here you are,” the voice was subdued, silent and tired, yet it had the power to stiffen your spine nonetheless. Your gaze snapped to the direction of the voice and through the foggy veil of tears you saw Miki.

He had circled around the building from the other end, from behind. He was standing even deeper in the shadow between the engawa and the stone wall, silent as a cat as always. You rubbed your raw eyes so you could see him, it hurt but you didn’t care, it would hurt more to see him but you didn’t care about that either.

He looked harrowed, but from the set of his jaw and the way he carried himself was a killing blow to whatever tiny glimmer of hope you might’ve harboured in the darkest nook of your weeping heart. Not finding any words to give back to him you just made a small sound at the back of your throat acknowledging his words, his presence, torturing yourself with his beauty.

“Looks like you heard, then,” he finally said after a long, heavy pause. He was standing a few paces from you, and it felt like he was already impossibly far away from you and drifting further. _Were you really going to just give up like this, so easily?_ you wondered.

“They said you got injured,” Miki’s tone was dead serious and you saw that same intensity in his eyes, he was worried for you. Had been in the morning when he had not said a thing to you under the gaze of his brother and his soon to be brothers-in-arms. It warmed your torn heart.

“I--,” and your voice cracked, throat sore from all the wheezing breaths you had dragged in, “I’m okay. The wound was only small.”

He took half a step closer to you and then halted, biting his lip like he was berating himself. Swallowing he finally said, “Good, that’s good. I--” and he swallowed again. “I only heard you had gotten sliced up by some Shinsengumi man and--”

Your love for him bloomed like a flower of gentle warmth inside your chest, mingling with the unbearable pain that was crushing your ribs. You wanted to hold him, keep him close so he’d never even dream of going, but you didn’t dare to unfurl your limbs, not even move.

A painful, awkward silence stretched between the two of you, impossibly wide, impossibly long.

“Don’t go,” the words slipped out of you into the silence before you had even registered them, a hoarse whisper. You regretted them even before you saw Miki’s expression go dark.

“You and me both know there’s no place for me here,” you tasted the vitriol in his words, towards the men of the Shinsengumi, towards the whole shōgunate probably.

You could do nothing but nod weakly, you knew. And before you could continue, he did.

“And… I can’t take you with me,” he spat out the words like they tasted disgusting, “they’ll never let you go.”

Again you could do nothing but nod, they would not, but… what if you just no longer cared?

“...If, _if_ , you’d follow me to the Goryō Eji, you’d be too valuable a source of intel for them not to interrogate, torture… and then when they’d learn your secret,” Miki grimaced, not having to end his sentence for you to be hit with the full implications of his words. There you’d be utterly helpless, you couldn’t fend for yourself against all of them and you couldn’t certainly assume Saitō, Heisuke and least of all Miki would just protect you, he would have to blow his cover to do so after all. There’d be no happy days in store for either of you then. Your soul sank into an inky black pit of despair. This was it then.

“I...” Miki continued hesitantly, like the words he was trying to spill out were the most painful thus far, “I can’t steal you and run away either...” the laughter he let out ran hollow. You were bewildered at how he had even considered it, with how loyal he was to his brother. Your eyes met and his were so pained it felt like your heart was split in two just by that look alone, he was pleading you not to ask him to elope with him.

You surprised yourself with the calm that settled over you, you couldn’t possibly demand him to destroy everything in his life for your sake, now could you? You didn’t want to hurt him, no matter how your heart howled after him, you weren’t that selfish. You balled your hands into fists, fighting down the urge to be just so selfish. You had your own sins to bear here in the Shinsengumi, too. You had to find your father and somehow try to fix this mess he had created, and hopefully end the creation of rasetsu. You couldn’t possibly do it running away from the authorities as a deserter and an escaped hostage.

Mutely you nodded, underneath your silence a million questions and pleas were boiling like a kettle about to overflow.

“Saburō,” you croaked, voice gone. He took another halting halfstep towards you. You were afraid too, that if he closed that last distance between the two of you you’d cling onto him, wail out your sorrow and refuse to let him go.

“L-let me just tell you this... I know the name of your dōjō, and you know my name. There’s a doctor by that name living not too far from where Kandagawa and Sumidagawa meet in Shitamachi in Edo, you--” and your voice cracked again, throat squeezing shut for a bit. Only after a few convulsing swallows you were able to go on, “you can ask around and someone will probably know.”

It was such a rickety wish it was laughably pathetic, but you needed something, even a tiny, impossible little hope to cling onto.

“The war, whatever, it won’t last forever,” he echoed himself, and you were assaulted by the glowing memories of that last day you had shared with each other, the promise he had made. Grimacing Miki stopped, clearly regretting his words already.

“There are no promises we can make, right?” you whispered, “Neither of us might make it out alive.”

Miki looked into your eyes intently, jaw set and frowning like he was furious. You felt another set of hot tears run down your cheeks.

“No, we can’t,” he growled, “This was all but a fleeting dream.” His coarse words, hoarse voice rent into you like beast’s claws.

“We both knew this would happen, there was no other way for this to go.”

You wanted him to stop, wanted to plead for him to stop, but he needed this. You probably needed to hear this even if it was the last thing you wanted. It was the truth after all, he was right. The air in your lungs locked into place, and you were frozen there unable to breathe, unable to look at him. You let your face drop into your knees, no longer able to keep it upright.

_I love you, I love you_ , you kept repeating in your mind. You had never said it aloud to him, and now you’d never get the chance, you couldn’t say it anymore now. Make this any more difficult than it already was. _Don’t leave me._

“The war claims its victims not only on the battlefield,” he finished weakly, as if trying to convince himself. 

Another painful silence settled between you, pushing him farther and farther away. 

“Stay safe.” It was the last thing he said to you, and you were unable to even look him in the eye, just as he was unable to give you even the tiniest of hope to take with you, a promise of finding you no matter how far you’d go nor a promise he would come back alive from all of this. Nor would he give you unattainable what ifs to cling onto, for him those would probably be a cruelty rather than a kindness, and you understood. Feeling his reclining steps more than you heard them, you couldn’t bring yourself to look upon him anymore, if you did you’d break down and beg and make things only worse.

When you were sure he was far gone the vice lock around your ribs finally unclenched and you were wracked with sobs more violent than ever before. It felt like your whole body was tearing itself apart with the agony of losing that which you had come to want most. More than anything. You were powerless to stop the wracking heaves that overcame you and only after you had worked yourself into such exhaustion you no longer had the strength to keep it up did you fall down onto your side to try and crawl a bit deeper into the shadow.

Your muddled gaze fell onto the wood of the engawa, dusty but smooth. Coiled there into a small bundle was the silk cord Miki had always had around his neck, from the day you had first laid eyes on him, you had probably never seen him without it. Yet there it laid, left behind like you.

Hastily you reached out and pulled it to your chest, inside the front of your kimono to hide it, and to press it as close to yourself as you could. It was everything Miki had not been able to put to words, his feeble promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this far, and let me assure you this isn’t really the end at all! I intend to take this all the way to the bitter end, and I hope now that I got this big lump out of my system I might be able to write more sooner rather than later :’’’)
> 
> Wish me luck and in the meantime I would love some feedback x) AND I am of course eternally grateful for every kudos, too ^^ <3


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